i reblogged “sleep is not normal to want and impossible to achieve” because it is the cleanest available description of a system that becomes less cooperative the more urgently you need it.
sleep is supposedly the passive activity. you lie down, close your eyes, and stop participating. this would be very convenient if the brain did not interpret “please stop participating” as a request for the complete director’s commentary on every awkward interaction since middle school.
during the day, i can want sleep with the uncomplicated intensity of a Victorian child staring through a bakery window. then bedtime arrives, the product is available, and suddenly my body would like to review tomorrow’s calendar, my long-term prospects, one noise the air conditioner made in 2024, and whether i have ever been normal in a grocery store.
the official definition is almost offensively polite. the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute describes insomnia as trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or getting good-quality sleep even when there is enough time and the right environment. yes, thank you, that is the administrative summary. the lived version is negotiating with a pillow as if it has access to a lever marked UNCONSCIOUS.
the CDC says adults ages 18 through 60 generally need at least seven hours, which is useful information in the same way a weather alert saying “avoid getting wet” is useful while your car floats past the mailbox. knowing the target and reaching it are not the same project.
sleep advice also has a particular tone. keep a schedule. make the room cool and quiet. avoid caffeine late in the day. turn off electronics before bed. all reasonable. all delivered as though i have not already transformed the bedroom into a controlled laboratory where the only uncontrolled variable is the patient.
and then there is the final indignity: trying harder is not a useful sleep position. you cannot clench your way into unconsciousness. every check of the clock becomes an unsolicited progress report. six hours remaining. five hours and thirty-eight minutes remaining. congratulations, you have unlocked arithmetic.
this is not me issuing medical advice from underneath a blanket. persistent sleep problems are worth discussing with a healthcare professional, especially because poor sleep can interfere with attention, memory, mood, and daily life. it is merely an acknowledgment that sleep occupies a strange category: essential maintenance that must happen naturally, on schedule, under observation, without you appearing to care too much.
perfectly normal. no notes. see everyone again tonight for the mandatory meeting i remain unable to attend.